Frustratingly accurate post. Excellent job explaining the warped way a narcissists mind works.
Many people live with abuse everyday. Many people don’t realize they are being abused until it becomes dangerous to try to leave. This site aims to help educate people about identifying the signs of abuse and speaking out against it.
One, often subtle, form of abuse is financial abuse. This includes:
– Demanding an accounting of any or all of your purchases
– Asking why you have to spend money on things that are essentials, e.g. Toiletries, gas, bills
– Insisting that you commingle your finances – get a joint account, co-sign on a loan or car payment
– Asking to see your paychecks, or insisting you cash them and give them the money
– Interfering with your ability to work
– This includes interference with/control over work schedules, transportation to and from work, and sometimes even they way you do your job
This abuse can go so far as:
– Preventing you from taking a job at all
– Causing you to lose your job, through forcing you to quit, taking away your transportation, or making you look bad to your employer
– Literally controlling all of your money, assets, and general finances
– Giving you an allowance and demanding receipts or explanations for every penny spent
– Not allowing you to keep any of your own money
– Destroying your property, of financial and/or sentimental value
– Isolating you from others who might help you financially
– Falsely telling others that you cannot be trusted with money, or to rent a place to stay, or take care of your children or pets
– Slandering you to your employer and other respected community members
– Holding your property hostage so you will return to or stay in the relationship
All these signs of abuse are part of a power play that the abuser uses to try to control you and your actions. Gradual isolation and erosion of independence give the abuser a greater deal of control, and thus more power over you.
Financial abuse can be extremely devastating, both during and after the relationship. Victims of financial abuse may have their job history and credit reports affected for years after leaving. It can begin quite gradually, with seemingly innocent questions and general financial concerns. However these can quickly become dangerous restrictions on your ability to function independently. If your abuser thinks they have made it so that you don’t have the resources to leave them, they feel secure and continue their abuse.
Please be aware of:
– Excessive questions about how you spend money
– Overly suspicious of purchases or gifts/jealousy
– Rush to co-mingle finances
– Any destruction of property
– Threats to hold withhold property, even if said in the heat of an argument
– Obsession with money or lack thereof
– Any interference with your job
These are all warning signs that you may be being financially abused, or could be in the near future.
Next time we’ll talk about how to plan a safe departure from a financially abusive relationship.
Victim-blaming and shaming are all too prevalent in our supposedly progressive society. Blame and shame are often heaped upon DV victims – by their partner, family, friends, and the general public – and this reinforces the intense and justifiable fear of leaving an abusive situation.
I was once afraid. I was ashamed. I thought the abuse was somehow my fault. But fortunately I was wrong.
Abuse is solely the fault of the abuser. No matter how hard people try to shift blame to the victim, the fact remains that an abuser chooses to inflict pain and suffering and they are responsible for their words and actions.
Do not be afraid to speak out. Do not be ashamed to share your story. Stand proudly in the face of victim-blaming and tell the world you are a survivor!